Coping

Have you ever wanted to share your life with someone and they don't want to? When you do everything they want but still that does not give you their love or respect?
I think I drink because its easier to cry when I am intoxicated, cause when I am me it is hard to cry for something like that. He did not love me, he rejected me so it is easier to cry about something so mundane when I have alcohol in my blood.
It is easier to forget everything when I am concentrating on a full stomach.
I am not laying my problems with any addiction on the doorstep of this man, understand me. I am saying I cope like that. When my career was in shambles or when studies where not going good I turned to some distraction.
Its deeper ofcourse, it all comes back to the individual. Why I would choose to throw myself at someone, questions of purpose come into the picture. Why am I here, when answers come to that, How do i carry that? How do stop children from starving, how on earth do you make a race of people in a continent realise they are worthy (believe me I know a lot know this). How do I share what God has put in my heart and when that book is not coming into the world but has lived in your heart and mind for nine years, you kinda look for distractions. Enter bad relationship, enter self hate, enter addiction etc.
It is easier therefore to think about all this when there's a pinch of fermented grapes in the system.

Is it true that Fat people almost never find love?

I was watching an episode of Cold case , the story is about a man found dead, he shot himself and he had just been watching a video of this chick(fat I guess you can say). Almost immediately all the investigators dismissed that it could be love. It was so hard for them to believe that this guy a hottie could fall for this fat girl. In the end they discover that this guy is a small time crook who steals from these ladies BUT it is this lady who started him on killing them as well.

That is not the point though because in the end it seems like he did love her, the point is throughout they spoke of these ladies as if they have some “don’t touch me” disease.

This reminds me of an incident in varsity. I was going out with this guy, I liked him a lot and he seemed to like me. Infact I would go as far as to say he loved me, ok maybe for a while anyway. So a friend of mine sees him at some lecture and is told that he is my boyfriend and next time she sees me she tells me, “He is so cute, you better watch out. Skinnies will steal him away. You better watch out”. I mean is my ability to keep a man satisfied diminished just because I am not a size 32. Anyway he was “stolen away” to use her language, not by a skinny girl though.

But it’s this mentality in society that makes people to doubt themselves. If you don’t look a certain way you cannot possibly be loved, if you don’t talk a certain way. I mean come on or to be.

Don’t get me wrong it is important that we be healthy, that we exercise but body size and shape is different for everybody. I am born with a certain set of genes that controls what structure my body will take, how tall I will be and how my features are arranged on my face.

I know the media mostly reflects what society is but if this gets perpetuated and acceptable in all realms of society imagine the damage it can do.

This is not the first time this stereotype is portrayed on our screens.

Remember how Shallow Hal had to be under some spell to love that chick. What I hate as well is that we find it hard to believe that a man could actually love a fat woman, sometimes I find myself with that mindset in the past years wondering what is wrong with this guy. I never use to, in my teens I had this super duper boyfriend who truly loved me (but I went to varsity and wanted to try out some jerks) and I always thought “If this man is asking me out, he must truly love me, cause I don’t have a beautiful body”. Notice how I say beautiful body cause back then (this was mid nineties) beautiful wasn’t skinny, it was average size. Infact skinny girls were made fun of just a much.

No wonder there is such an outrage from fat people, basically we are being rejected, society is saying we cannot be lovable. No wonder there is so much fat appreciation/acceptance sites and blogs(beautiful definition here). These are some of my favourites:

• Big fat deal
• Shapely prose
• babble- recently stumbled upon this one:as in yesterday, also keeps a database of positive image site
  

A part of me think this is good that we stand up against this abuse as next thing you know we will regress to the point of rejecting narrow faced people or large forehead people.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying people should disregard what they put in their bodies but they must to a degree disregard what they look like. If you are eating healthy and you are active why should there be so much pressure to be a certain size.

This health/fat love dilemma has been in me since I was maybe 13. I got into a debate with my parents and ended up shouting "What is so wrong with being fat anyway?" and that is the first time I remember my father saying "What is wrong with it is your health"(here is a great counter to that argument). But I was healthy, that started me on this road, the one of fighting my size and wishing to be something I am not. Instead of the focus being on exercise, getting out there and playing more instead of watching TV, it was on you should look like this. You should eat less, when really I might not have been eating that much differently from other kids.

No this is not me bowing out of the fatloss road, this is me saying I should be whatever size my body wants me to be. This is me saying the focus from now on is on being strong, flexible and able to run(cause I love running).

114.6kg Gym scale reading

I am at the gym, just did 30 minutes cardio and 15 or so minutes on the weights. I skipped the weight machines that would have caused a strain on my knee. I am officially a person with knee problems, it locks whenever and am generally aware of it by the numbish pain around the joint. So I have decided to lay off running or jogging for a while and do the eliptical(????) machines at the gym. I reckon as soon as I can swim sort of properly I should do that more often. I will still run a 5km race by year end but am cooling it on cement running.
This week I am doing Phase 1 of the south beach diet and am intending on following through for reAL THIS TIME. I will do phase 1, then 2 and eat for life like that. I am determined to lose this lard. I was playing with my daughter yesterday and I kept remembering a promise I made to her about how I would have conqured this hill by her age 2. If i am to live up to that I have less than 7 months.
I was reading an interview on the O magazine about practical living, where you do it anyway. That's sort of my philosophy but on and off. The guy says be scared of failure but do what you have to do inspite of it. Forget going to your past to heal wounds, act in the now and get confidence boosters in the present. Those heal a low self esteem in the present. Cause truly i have looked at things in my past for so long:
I know i loved my grandmother and she loved me back with a passion and I HAVENT BEEN loved like that since
I know some creap had me in his flat at age 4/5 and fed me fish paste and might have fondled with my privates, my mom mantains that I definately was not penetrated. I know that i might have been as I didnt bleed the first time i had intercourse but I have no memory of it so why dwell on a maybe.
I know i was a fat kid that led to low self esteem and led me to look for comfort in excelling at school. Thats why I was obsessed with coming top of the class, cause i had nothing else going for me,
I know all of these things and I have analysed them, thats why I accepted bad relationships cause I did not think i was worthy of more. of devotion and unconditional love. I went pass that stage and have moved, so all that is needed is action. I want to loose weight, what must be done. I need to improve my earnings, what must be done. Just do, do and if you fail brush yourself up and continue doing, that is what will develop a sense of trust in me.

Broke diet

I broke my diet today. I am having dry special k as I write this. I forgot my veggies at home and I don’t have money to go buy a salad and I’ve got to eat so there. God I hate being poor, ok rephrase, I hate being poor at managing my finances. I mean really this month has just been bad. I went home on an empty petrol tank yesterday; my baby’s father had to bring a 5 litre petrol container to my place to refuel the car. Jeez I mean what is this. I know I know, I went home, the Eastern Cape (unplanned), I gave money away, to people who needed it more. I mean my cousin had a baby and she wasn’t breastfeeding and the baby didn’t have clothes. I paid study loan, I thought I could get back into paying but seemingly not. This month I must improve in finances management. Make a budget and stick to it.
On the weight loss front someone commented yesterday, she wants what I’m doing but she’s like so thin (she has 3kg to loose- gal if I had 3kg to loose I would just chill). I would feel bad making her go on the 1st phase of south beach diet. So I’ll give her this other one my colleague has lost weight on. Some dietician, it works she lost heaps.
God I hate not having money, close to tears already, Jee wiz.
This morning i weighed 108.4kg . I guess i'll be happy if i start next week and next phase at 108kg. Imagine when i reach 107kg, I havent been 107kg since final year in high school. I remember cause my mom and i went to some doctor who gave an injection for people to lose weight and i remember going down to 104kg but then picking up to 107kg for the rest of that year.
Yesterday i wore this skirt i last wore at Sindiswa's wedding(ok since i know for a fact that my friends read this blog, they will know who sindiswa is, but if you are not one of them-Sindiswa is a friend who got married in 2002). That skirt was tight when i bought it, i had to constantly be pulling it down, but now it just stays down. I am so happy about that.