Coping

Have you ever wanted to share your life with someone and they don't want to? When you do everything they want but still that does not give you their love or respect?
I think I drink because its easier to cry when I am intoxicated, cause when I am me it is hard to cry for something like that. He did not love me, he rejected me so it is easier to cry about something so mundane when I have alcohol in my blood.
It is easier to forget everything when I am concentrating on a full stomach.
I am not laying my problems with any addiction on the doorstep of this man, understand me. I am saying I cope like that. When my career was in shambles or when studies where not going good I turned to some distraction.
Its deeper ofcourse, it all comes back to the individual. Why I would choose to throw myself at someone, questions of purpose come into the picture. Why am I here, when answers come to that, How do i carry that? How do stop children from starving, how on earth do you make a race of people in a continent realise they are worthy (believe me I know a lot know this). How do I share what God has put in my heart and when that book is not coming into the world but has lived in your heart and mind for nine years, you kinda look for distractions. Enter bad relationship, enter self hate, enter addiction etc.
It is easier therefore to think about all this when there's a pinch of fermented grapes in the system.

New attitude, new look, new job

I have just finished a swimming session at the gym. It was cool getting into water again more than anything I enjoyed feeling how loose my costume is. The last time I wore it it was overflowing with all of me but now its just loose.

The physiotherapist reckons its good exercise for the ankle to do some water exercises and even though the exercises I did today were not from her, I'm sure they are good for me. See I am taking this advice of doing what I love for exercise to heart. This advice is from the Science of being well which I have been going on (for a while now) to anyone who will listen. How one must chew properly and enjoy food, that way you feel fuller for longer. So now I have started adding swimming and in time I will add walking in the mornings which helps me clear my head.

My weight is constant at 115kg, and I know why it is so. I have been drinking a lot of alcohol, the whole of last week and during the weekend. Anyone who has tried to loose weight I'm sure knows that is like drinking cooking oil with all the calories. So what I want to adjust from next week is the drinking. I want to learn that it is okay to sip my wine and also getting intoxicated is not the end all and be all.

Driving home from my saturday outing I realised that now that I do not have food as a "buddy" I might fall into the trap of substituting it with alcohol. As I sat there, at the party, chips galore, sweets, all I kept going for is merlot, which was not so nice by the way. But I wanted something to do, with my hands and with my mouth. Maybe I should try gum.



On a very positive note, I got the job I have been writing about here, this is my notice month and in no time I will be in Cape Town, doing the laid back thing.

Meeting new people growing, paramount ofcourse is image. I have been polling my friends on what hairstyle suits me best. See I want to impress, I want my brand to shine through in this job.

That is:

• Professional


• Smart-working


• Thirst for knowledge


• Brilliant delivery


• Committed


• Team-player

We shall see, I am looking forward definately

SAD BAD NEWS

Monday my child's nanny dropped a bomb on me. She is leaving end of the month, she says she got the job she was interviewed for last year.
Anyway I was happy for her of course but naturally a vein, i think it's the one that attaches the neck to the head(is there such), anyway the one on the left side of my neck, started throbbing. I woke to go jog yesterday but stopped a quarter of the way, sat down by the road, prayed and cried. Well I am devastated of course, she was good both to me and Nkati. More like a friend really(apparently you aren't to befriend your help). So I looked at creches, looking into nannies, will see. But funny enough I didn't once think of food to numb any bad feelings, just drank lots of water and tried to calm down, sleep more, not surf the net way into the night.
I can honestly say that I am well rested, not stressed about it anymore and will cope and survive.

Fat loss

Blogging about fat loss can get boring, like how many times can you hear, what I didn’t eat. What I should have ate, what makes me eat, don’t you just get that complex sometimes that people are discussing life changing ideas and here I am obsessed about losing weight.
One thing I discovered though, I hate lifting, and the thought of it just makes me cringe. Like I love going power walking or jogging cause I get time with myself, the smell of fresh air in the morning, the gearing up for the day. But lifting, you are sitting there, just feeling sore, it bites man. For real, I know I must get myself to like it or at least decide to do it consistently so I can reap all these benefits everybody is talking about.
Yesterday I was miserable about something at work and I got home and played with my daughter for a while. I could literally feel myself un=winding, then I had supper. The nanny had made mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, fried cabbage and chicken livers. Man that food was nice, not the healthiest but it was so hearty that it injected some energy into me. I had a cup of coffee, watched some TV and went to bed. Read a bit. I woke up feeling ok about work and happy that I didn’t think to go get biscuits and chocolates to numb the frustration.