Friday, 1 September 2006

I am counting the minutes till my doctor's appointment. Why would i be excited, cause i will see my baby move, i will hear his/her heartbeat, i will find out what sex my baby is. Wow i truly cant wait. Ofcourse i wasnt always this excited, for a while there i was depressed about this whole thing, i gather i conceived in April(i watch my cycle like a hawk) and this was makeup sex* mind you. i had prior to the se*x come to the realisation that the man i was with will never love me, is infact incapable of loving a human being other than himself so i was just gonna carry on with the relationship until i gathered enough courage to live it. Cause i couldnt just leave the realtionship see, what would i do when i wanted to cuddle and kiss and feel someone near me, so i was kinda playing along and was actually enjoying it now that i expected no love no nothing from him, i could just be, wouldnt worry about the tires around my stomach, my big ass* nothing, cause see i wouldnt want him to approve anything. Well it happened, i could have taken morning after pills the day after but i remember putting it off, the sick feeling they give one, the having to set the alarm 12 hours apart, you know senseless excuses like that, when the 72 hours passed i was like, it's not like it's gonna happen, cause before then this certain gentleman and me have been trying to conceive and nothing had happened after the last miscarriage(that's another story). so this time i thought my period will come and i will continue living my life. Initially when we found out we were both excited and thought maybe we could pick up where we left-off, to the before i realised he cannot love me period. we went to the doctor and tested and took some injection to strengthen the sack where the baby is(i think it's the membrane), after a month or so the excitement went out both of us and i was left in a deep depression, i remember this one friday i came back from work and bought a carry pack of smirnoff spin and was just drinking watching some lame show on dstv, that was a bad time, i asked God countless times to take this away from me, he's done it before why not now but i was too scared to make that decision myself, it would have been easier to say i had a miscarriage than i had an abortion* you know what i mean. So there was that rough patch, i think mostly it was because i associated my child too much with the father, the seed from which he/she came that i failed to see him/her as part of me. what got me out of that hole i was in was my siblings coming over for vacation, my brother satys with me and went home for a vac and had to come back early to write a supplementary exam, and my little sister came for her ussual schoolvacation visit. so that sort of got me out of myself for a while and gave me something else to concentrate on. In no time(i think it was a month) my attitude had changed i made the decision that this is my child(whoever fathered him/her-cant wait to know the sex) and i will do everything in my power to bring him/her up. i will go without somethings to make sure they have the best i can offer and will not ask for a cent from the father. when i decided that i could sleep better at night.
Which brings me to now, i am almost 23 weeks pregnant, which truly is 21 weeks after actual ovulation. I am enjoying it, without misleading anyone it is no piece of cake, the sickness is no joke(for me at least) and the constant running to the loo is irritating, another baddie is the small food space in the stomach, i swear i love my food neh, but these days i must just make do with half-a-portion servings or else i will suffer. so i am now an hour away from finding out the sex and the weight and the progress and seeing the little feet and big head. will definantely post scan pictures.....

No comments: