Tired

I am so tired of trying to lose weight. I am tired, tired, sick of it. I mean why can't I just do this. I thought I wanted this more than anything, ok, next to finding a new job that is. Ok next to being a great mom and eliminating debt.
I have been going to gym, I went a full week and a half. Now I have missed 2 days, this morning I walked but it was at a low intensity but I had to do something. I will not use my daughter as an excuse cause I can pack things the night before and be ready when the alarm goes off but I have been lazy......Have to snap out of it, in fact discipline myself man.

I should be locked away somewhere

I have climbed to 118KG, I was so ashamed a while back but now i think i am fine. I have stopped the patch so my mood has improved, i refuse to blame the patch for all the eating i did in stockholm. I was just down 50% of the time. Anyway I decided on Tuesday that I have a great deal of problems so let me choose one to focus on and weight loss was it. I really want it is an understatement, the past few days I have been looking at my daughter and thinking how i promised that by the time she is two i will not be fat. SHe turns 2 in six months. Maybe I have ran out of time but this battle with the bulge i have to win. I went to the gym today, that's the first step I guess

114.6kg Gym scale reading

I am at the gym, just did 30 minutes cardio and 15 or so minutes on the weights. I skipped the weight machines that would have caused a strain on my knee. I am officially a person with knee problems, it locks whenever and am generally aware of it by the numbish pain around the joint. So I have decided to lay off running or jogging for a while and do the eliptical(????) machines at the gym. I reckon as soon as I can swim sort of properly I should do that more often. I will still run a 5km race by year end but am cooling it on cement running.
This week I am doing Phase 1 of the south beach diet and am intending on following through for reAL THIS TIME. I will do phase 1, then 2 and eat for life like that. I am determined to lose this lard. I was playing with my daughter yesterday and I kept remembering a promise I made to her about how I would have conqured this hill by her age 2. If i am to live up to that I have less than 7 months.
I was reading an interview on the O magazine about practical living, where you do it anyway. That's sort of my philosophy but on and off. The guy says be scared of failure but do what you have to do inspite of it. Forget going to your past to heal wounds, act in the now and get confidence boosters in the present. Those heal a low self esteem in the present. Cause truly i have looked at things in my past for so long:
I know i loved my grandmother and she loved me back with a passion and I HAVENT BEEN loved like that since
I know some creap had me in his flat at age 4/5 and fed me fish paste and might have fondled with my privates, my mom mantains that I definately was not penetrated. I know that i might have been as I didnt bleed the first time i had intercourse but I have no memory of it so why dwell on a maybe.
I know i was a fat kid that led to low self esteem and led me to look for comfort in excelling at school. Thats why I was obsessed with coming top of the class, cause i had nothing else going for me,
I know all of these things and I have analysed them, thats why I accepted bad relationships cause I did not think i was worthy of more. of devotion and unconditional love. I went pass that stage and have moved, so all that is needed is action. I want to loose weight, what must be done. I need to improve my earnings, what must be done. Just do, do and if you fail brush yourself up and continue doing, that is what will develop a sense of trust in me.

Damage

Do not get me started on the damage I did to my eating plan over the easter weekend. Pizza, chocolate, mieliemeal, samp, cereal everyday, variations of it(Maltabella one day, oata, mielie pap). i did a lot of damage. On top of it I had soft drinks, I mean really. But today I have resolved to BE FAT NO MORE. I am sick of it, i am sick of my life recvolving around ukutya, so I shall do the right thing. Eat as I best know how, choose the right fruits, nuts, vegetables and avoid all these saturated fats and concentrated sugars.

• Chocolate, if it aint dark i am not eating it.
• Coffee, i mean what the big deal with coffee, I only drink it cacause its sweet but other than that I dont like it. I have been drinking unsweetened bush/herbal tea and i liked it. So if I must have something warm it shall be herbal tea without sugar.
• I will not subject myself to eating tasteless food, izolo i ate some nuts with cottage cheese and bulgarian youghurt, it was yak but I just ate it. Some excuse about keeping my metabolism going so my blood sugar dont drop so low. Please, at some point during the day I was eating an egg and I wasnt even hungry and our receptionist was like 'you are always eating' and i snapped talking about do i go around commenting when she eats 11 slices of white bread. You know I think by being vocal about wanting to loose weight I have opened myself up to every tom dick and harry to have a say. Why are you eating this, why salad in the morning, why sprite zero this. I mean really now, i should just keep quiet and do it already. Let the results speak for themselves.
• I must accept that physical exercise is my everyday life, gym or running- it is my life. I cannot not exercise all else I lose everyhting i want. Talking about gym this gal at the gym was hogging one circuit nmachine, I mean the rules are spelt out, when the timer goes, you should be off to the next one. So she hogged it for 4 gos, I mean, so she could see I was irritated, I literally sat and waited(i did some streches) and finally she's done. I go on, barely giving her a chance to take her towel off. I think she said morning in that funny way. My point is why should I be nice when she's breaking the rules, she must think FAT bitch, how about doing something else while you wait for this machine surely that will help your cause too. But i dont care, i dont like being unkind but she shouldnt do that. At a gym you are forever aware of others and you know who is doing which cycle, why then should you pretend that you exist alone. Why should you be inconsiderate.
• Swimming has to be my life, I will master it this year,s o that my exercise can be varied.
• I am still to get a bicycle but i do want to ride by the end of the year.

Ok so i am positive, upbeat and determined. i am losing weight for good. By the way I weighed in at 114.4kg today.

116.2kg

This morning I weighed in at that, i am happy with it. I went for my jog|walk. I have decided to enter a 10km run or walk. i will be walking, dont want to kid myself into a 10km run, when 5km is a mission. I will enter latest wednesday. It will be in Pretoria, looking forward to doing something different. This week the plan is to make healthy eating choices, limit the starch ofcourse, have plenty vegetables. Lots of water and read oprah and bob's health email i subscribed to earlier in the year.
Yesterday I surprised myself by bingeng on fruit, i had a peach after supper, the two pears. i mean i was so full but something kept making me eat, like i just could not control it. WHAT????