Wednesday, 4 October 2006

"I told you I don't want to talk to you, just give me a break" says Hlayisi, "until when?" I ask to which he replies "I dont know" and he hangs up.
Normally this is the part where I start crying, calling him non-stop, sending sms after sms, but something in me just begged for a new reaction. Obviously the way I have done things in the past does not work. I end up sad for long periods of time, go shopping and get myself deeper into debt, I eat and get even fatter and loathe myself even more. Clearly that is not the way to do things. A voice in me asked "what will happen to me if it is truly over with hlayisi?","what will be missing if I never talk to him again?", "what if I chose, regardless of what he is doing that i do not want to be with him?",if I also dont expect to talk to him again. What will be different in my life if i let that be our goodbye.
Clearly he is hurt and feels wronged and the fact that I think it is over a stupid matter is irrelevant, fact is he doesn't see it that way.
Let me relate this story, Hlayisi and I have know n each other since December 2003(but the purpose of this blog is not to look backwards too much than to move forward with insight-so rest assured i have gone through our relationship in retrospect step by step). We had a number of break ups and getting back together agains that it doesnt really equate to "we've been in a relationship for three years".
About 12 days ago we a had a talk, were we are talking about the future. I listed my disatisfactions and things I want him to work on, he listed his(we literally listed them on papers he had stuck to the wall). Glaring on his list was
  • he is not supportive-emotionally
  • he's too picky
  • he makes promises he cant keep

It went something like that, but I remember my list(my weaknesses) even though it was particularly long, he had

  • Financial management
  • Housekeeping
  • communocation

basically the list was long, he commented on the improvement in my grooming which he thought was poor when we first met. Long story short we agreed that our relationship was moving on to another level. We started talking about moving in together(selling my townhouse, renting a flat for a while and buying a house together), ways of making more money etc. The week that followed was sort of honeymoon period, we were together almost everyday, made love, i cooked, he ate, i did laundry, he washed my car.

Then 3 days ago(Sunday the 1st of October) i ask him "How much do you think i should ask for the townhouse on the market, the bond is R510 000 and price i bought it for was R475 000?". now around the time i bought the house we were sort of together but not really, like when i signed the offer to purchase he had not even seen the house, but when i signed at the lawyers he was with me and he knew that transfer duties were scrapped and the lawyers will give me back R18 000 which i can choose to use or give back to the bank. So he asks "did you not give the money back to the bank" I say i didn't, i used it to pay my credit card and i bought things i needed. i could see this unsettled him. We went to bed not really talking, the next day same story in the evening, he just cannot believed i boxed R18 000. yesterday morning he had a little errand to do for me(pick up my brother from the station as i was a t work), he was not taking my calls but apparently he did pick up the kid. Anyway late last night against my better judgement I call him, he sounded like he was in the gym (he was breathing fast), he answers the phone with "YES"(he could see it was from me, i didnt hide my caller identity) i say "Hi switi" to which he responds "Listen man i dont want to talk to you, please give me a break" and drops the phone. Did i mention i had earlier sent to sms'es saying i realise he is hurt but when i made the decision i was not with him and it was the decision i made at the time.

Now i am thinking he probably is putting this in a marriage context, there we are married and i go and spent large sums for which i cannot account, but is this behaviour warranted, is this how he will be handling marital problems, just doing the silent game and walking around the house fumming.

So when the words of abuse were hurled at me today "I dont want to talk to you" I decided Ok, Ok, Be like that, but then i must make a decision of who i want to be in relation to that. What part of myself do i want to see manifest.

In other words this is outside of my control, this is another human being who has the right to make up his own mind. Who we are assuming knows what he wants and what is good for him and I am obviously not good for him.

So this is the beginning of a break-up i feel. I will not call, i will try my damn hardest not to, i will live my life as if nothing has changed. Make the best decisions for me, the only person i can control in the whole wide world.

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