Thursday, 30 April 2009

I can mommy without a buffer

Why i have given myself this buffer of my mother as a care-taker for my daughter is beyond me. Everytime something happens or I think I am not coping i suddenly feel i can take take my child to her. Why do I believe she will have a better life with her than with me?
Last week i resolved that my child is staying with me, i will get a nanny and she will do creche part-time. The nanny I am promised can start mid-may so for now my two year old is still going to creche. It is raining today and I just think it is so unfair to have to take her out of the house and leave her in a house with strangers. I know she will get bored at home with just the nanny so i have to have some sort of creche AND she should not go when its raining. She's two for God's sake. SO I started thinking about the comfort of my home, with my mother and it looked so much better than what i am offering my Little one.
I guess the root of my insecurities start with not having a father there for her, I mean i know families go through transitions and one parent is away and the other is the primary care-giver but I know with our situation it will always be like this, I can never give her, her own father at home. Thats sore, like we were praying the other day before bed and this prayer my little sister learnth in pre-primary "thank you Father for my mother and my father, our teachers, our school amen", that kinda hit me hard, that for my child father is not there.
Anyway the point was I need to move away from this mentality that I have a fall-back, I either raise my child alone OR have my mother do it. I owe my baby some sort of stability, that 'this is my home and I visit grandma on school holidays'. I remember reading in Drum where Kuli Roberts was talking about feeling unwanted as a child cause everytime she would misbehave at her parents' home they would send her to grandma who sort of raised her when the parents went to study in the states. I mean a whole lot of bad things happened while her parents were away but she did not have an outlet for it and she vented when they got back but they solved it by having someone else take care of her, so she felt she did not belong. Now stability is something I want to give my child, a sense of belonging, being grounded with me and everyone else comes as an addition.

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