Coping

Have you ever wanted to share your life with someone and they don't want to? When you do everything they want but still that does not give you their love or respect?
I think I drink because its easier to cry when I am intoxicated, cause when I am me it is hard to cry for something like that. He did not love me, he rejected me so it is easier to cry about something so mundane when I have alcohol in my blood.
It is easier to forget everything when I am concentrating on a full stomach.
I am not laying my problems with any addiction on the doorstep of this man, understand me. I am saying I cope like that. When my career was in shambles or when studies where not going good I turned to some distraction.
Its deeper ofcourse, it all comes back to the individual. Why I would choose to throw myself at someone, questions of purpose come into the picture. Why am I here, when answers come to that, How do i carry that? How do stop children from starving, how on earth do you make a race of people in a continent realise they are worthy (believe me I know a lot know this). How do I share what God has put in my heart and when that book is not coming into the world but has lived in your heart and mind for nine years, you kinda look for distractions. Enter bad relationship, enter self hate, enter addiction etc.
It is easier therefore to think about all this when there's a pinch of fermented grapes in the system.