Wednesday, 5 August 2009

I am traumatized

Losing weight and gaining it and losing it and gaining it again is so traumatic.
I have been relatively happy for a while, if I do say so myself but today was just terrible. I know I should not wake up late, but I did today, so I rushed through the shower, dressing, brushing this stupid hair and did my face in the car. As a result I am wearing my pants that need mending, a green leather (I highly doubt it cause it makes noise everytime I move) jacket that my mom sold to me (that woman sells me everything from bags, pots, presles bedding and anything she is directly selling I just have to support her). So here I am with an itching head, cause I have a weave on and the gal who did it pulled my hair so thight there's nothing for my scalp to do but itch. Long story short I am feeling shitty, oh it does not help that we have a visiting officer who is just gorgeous.
I mean this woman is Beautiful, the first time I saw her, I was like wow. I spoke about her for 3 straight days, I would not blame my joburg friends for thinking I am gay or something. But this girl is beautiful, I mean you can look at her forever. Infact she's the kind of girl who I would not mind if my boyfriend gawked at, cause I would be mesmerized myself. Anyway she has image issues too, although I must admit she could be pulling that to make us mere mortals not feel so bad. The thing is she's not skinny so she reckons, she's fat and no guy will approach her. But ofcourse I think guys are just plain scared.
Let me demonstrate how beautiful this gal is, 2 days ago we walk over to the cafeteria cause she wants breakfast, so Caroline, the cook comes to the counter,
"Morning Caroline, this is H****mi**, she's gonna be with my section for a while"- thats me
"Oh nice to meet you Caroline" my coleague says
"Nice to meet you too my dear, what a preety gal you are" this is caroline
"Wow, Thank you" My colleague says, as if she does not believe her.
Anyway so I have this goddess in the office and I am just not doing my best with what i have, what else would i feel.
and i know it, my feeling good is so greatly affected by my outside. I have to do the face and do it well, I have to have the right outfit and proper feel good hair. But no, I had to push myself down the hill of self-loathing.
Anyway I need a plan, I need to do something. I have gained too much, the rest of my life is not so dandy, Please God let there be one thing iIcontrol in this hurricane I call my life.

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